No Longer Sorry

I have terrible eating habits. Most people will take one look at me and deduce that is the case. After all, I didn’t get to be this size eating salads, right? But that’s not what I mean. I have been a workaholic since childhood, which is bound to happen when your mother enlists a set of high standards, resulting in your becoming an overachiever and perfectionist, all of which inevitably leads to not eating right.

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Good For You?

I remember the first time I was publicly fat shamed. I was a 16 years old and on a class trip to the Jewish Heritage Museum in Manhattan for leadership training.  We were having lunch in the museum’s cafeteria; honestly I don’t remember if I actually ate anything since this was during the time I would skip meals with the goal of getting thin. I do remember that at one point my friend got up to get a second helping of food at which time I asked him to get me a can of soda. He came back with a can of Diet Coke, I looked at the can and then up at him in confusion. He then said, very loudly I might add, “You could stand to lose a couple of pounds.” The entire table and those next to it laughed. I left the soda right in his hand and walked away. No one stood up for me and he never apologized. He claimed that it was a joke. I wasn’t laughing.

Such occurrences only got worse once I got older. In fact,one of my mother’s oldest friends no longer greets me with a, “Hi, how have you been?,” like the average person would, but with a, “You’re fatter.”

comic of double standards with food

“Healthy” does not equal a specific physical appearance.

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+Size Matters : My Mad Fat Diary

So last spring I was focusing on my master’s exam and my 30 page paper that goes along with it. This is a choice that you can make to avoid writing a full length thesis and is supposedly easier, but really isn’t. Anyway, I started a studying regime in which I would study, study, study then rest, followed by more studying and writing. It was a pretty hectic time, yet it was during one of those “treat/rest sessions,” that I went onto Tumblr and was exposed to a show that would change everything. I follow a blogger on Tumblr, whose username is Ursula The Sea Bitch, and she had posted gifs labelled Finn and Rae. I was surprised to see a female plus-sized character actually have a romantic interest who is “conventionally attractive.” Without even knowing anything else about the show I immediately liked her post.  A couple days later she posted  another gif set that included the title, My Mad Fat Diary. Continue reading

I Am Not THAT Big!

For most of my life my family influenced my negative view of my body and my fashion choices. Though I have begun to love my body, I suffered with insecurities linked to my size and body type which stemmed from microaggression. Through no longer direct, they are now akin to passive-aggressive implications than are directed at me via gifts, both store bought and hand made.  Allow me to elaborate with some recent examples.

Back in 2013 I lent my voice for the third time for my church’s rendition of G.F. Handel’s Messiah. The then director decided (at the last minute mind you) in a white top and black ankle length bottoms as the dress code for the night of the performance. As a rule I really didn’t own much white and due to the fact that I am a petite woman I (still) don’t own many things that are too long. I complained to my mother and my aunt, both who were also part of the choir, and said that I would be sitting out this year since I had nothing to wear. They both then took it upon themselves to go shopping for me. Being that I was in my third semester of graduate school and had a crazy finals schedule, I let them. Needless to say I was surprised when one weekend my aunt came over with a measuring tape declaring that she would be making my skirt. The only reason I agreed to this was because the concert was a week away and the fabric was gorgeous.


This picture does nothing for this skirt but take my word for it, the fabric is beautiful!

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